The year after

Bon voyage

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 17:15:00 -0700

This is where I leave you all.

When I set out with this blog, I intended it to be only for a year (hence the Tumblr handle) and so it shall be.

In the landscape of this past year, the valleys have felt more like craters and the mountains have felt more like foothills. There have been happy times, but overall, I simply feel like I can’t find my way back. Back to February 20, 2012. Back to when things felt like they made sense.

However, I suppose that, in life, we’re not necessarily meant to go back. Rather, we move forward, hopefully picking up insight, wisdom, lessons, skills, and memories along the way - storing them in our proverbial knapsacks until we need to fish them out to help us tackle the terrain of life’s journey. And, in that respect, drawing on all that I’ve learned in my now 32 years - from my good fortune, bad choices, heartbreak, unmerited favor and the lessons I’ve been wise enough to learn from others (most especially my mom) - I feel well-equipped at this juncture.

So, I move forward. As we all do. Whether we like it or not.

This Tumblr will stay live for the foreseeable future. Perhaps some other traveler will stumble across it out here in cyberspace and find something in it that’s worth putting in their proverbial knapsack. And if that happens to be you, you will have a lovely, wise woman named Gwen, who would’ve been 58 years old tomorrow, to thank for it.

I don't like the sound of it

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 19:58:00 -0700

“… right around the time my mom died …”

I think I uttered that exact phrase for the first time today. It left a leaden aftertaste in my mouth as it was rolling off my tongue. Died is such a direct word - not nearly as soft as ‘passed away’ or ‘went home’ or whatever other euphemisms are out there. It’s a harsh word for a harsh reality, I suppose. But let’s not use it too often, okay?

St/Heal

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 21:14:00 -0700

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” ~ A headstone in Ireland

In your dreams

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 10:02:00 -0700

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night.” ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Slight hope

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 21:31:03 -0700

There are not many women in my family. Many have passed on, and on my dad’s side, I’m the first girl born in roughly 100 years. So I hold the ones I do have closely and, this past weekend, it looked like I may loose one of my favorites. But in a blessed turn of events, it looks like she may stick around a bit longer. And in a week that’s been centered around an emotional milestone, it’s much needed and welcomed news.

Empty

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 07:56:26 -0700

“Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.” ~Lamartine

Happy REBIRTHday, mom!

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 19:55:27 -0700

Year One

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 08:40:00 -0700

Complete.

And I miss you like cah-razy. Your voice, your laugh, your slobbery kisses, your hugs, your ridiculous txt messages, your random letters, your quippy emails, your evening phone calls (and your morning and midday phone calls), and even your tears. I miss it all. I miss knowing you’re just a few minutes away and that if I’m having a rough day, I can swing by. I miss talking about the grandmas with you. I miss praying with you. I miss those random calls to say you’re coming over and you’re bringing Taco Bell or Subway. I miss our long drives. I miss gossiping with you (a LOT). I miss getting sweet tea with you any chance we could. I miss telling you about my day and hearing about yours. I miss seeing the calendar in the pantry filled with doctor’s appointments. I miss watching you mix your medicine. I miss just knowing you were around.

You remain my favorite person, my compatriot, the love of my life, my bff, my nemesis (especially when you wouldn’t let me do what I wanted), and my mamala. <3

Always.

Preoccupied

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 08:03:41 -0700

One thought has stuck in my mind this morning and I cannot shake it, no matter how I try.

I remember today as the last day I ever had a conversation with her, as a day of agitated waiting now that a decision had been made, a day with lots of tears that turned into an evening of restless sleep, hoping and praying for the miraculous.

Here’s hoping this February 20 is better than the last.

Another "G", Another Legacy

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 14:51:27 -0700

In discussing how my gaggle of second cousins and their families all get together on a regular basis …

Cousin: “You know, it wasn’t always like that. After D died, we really never saw each other and rarely talked. It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that everyone started gathering for brunch and having holidays together again. All 6 of the kids live within a few miles of each other and very rarely ever got together.”

Me: “Really!??! That seems so crazy. Who was the rallying point in getting everyone back together?”

Cousin: “It was G.”

Me: “Really!?!? Wow! What an amazing legacy for her to have left - basically giving each of them their family back.”

It’s decided. If your name begins with a G, then you’re probably one-of-a-kind. And once you’re gone, a lot of folks will probably miss you.

Rain upon the earth

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 15:24:22 -0700

“Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried than before - more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” ~ Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Reminded again and again

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 13:06:41 -0700

Quietly

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 18:55:43 -0700

Some nights, it’s best to sit idly and just have a little think. Just me, a cup of tea, and my thoughts. It’s there I can ponder the events of the past year, mentally prepare for the next, and recall happy times with her. You really can’t go home again, but I feel like this is, for better or worse, pretty close.

Love is a Verb

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 19:40:00 -0700

Roses from mom. Handed me this and a few groceries she bought for me. Happy Valentine’s Day. (2011)

Control Issues

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 18:49:24 -0700

My life feels out of control. Or, better yet, out of MY control.

Perhaps that’s a good thing given that, in the end, we don’t really control our future all that much (though we like to think we do, especially in the Western world).

However, today it feels tiring, stressful, and emotionally draining. I can’t trust my own decision-making skills, my filter is gone, and my productivity is at an all-time low.

These are the moments I wish I could call up my mom, explain why I think I’m in over my head, and then have her tell me in her own Gwennie way that I need to buck up and keep pressing on. Things will work themselves out. And then she’d throw in an “Oh, brother!” for good measure.

Crushed but not destroyed

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 07:40:17 -0700

Unappreciated

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 20:06:00 -0700

I was commenting to my youngest brother yesterday about how I feel really unappreciated given all the time and effort I’m putting into taking care of family business. And it dawned on both of us - our mom was probably looking down from Heaven, chuckling to herself, and muttering under her breath, “I warned you more than once - what goes around, comes around.” Because let’s face it, she, like most mothers, just did what she did with little notice or thanks from her family.

So, moms of the world, I’m a bit late to the game here given it took me about three decades to realize this (and things are still dawning on me, as evidenced above), but … Thank you. What you do matters. You’re building a legacy. And, someday, your kids will get it. And they will call you and tell you you were right all along. And then, if they have a brain in their head, they will spend their remaining days spreading your fame far and wide.

Or, as in my case, you’ll be driving along together some afternoon through downtown and your daughter, who has admittedly caused you her fair share of grief through the years, will turn to you and say, “I just think I need to apologize. For basically everything. So, I’m sorry. For all of it. Will you forgive me?”

And hopefully, you’ll feel appreciated.

Sentiments

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 19:18:00 -0700

I love the card aisle. Until I don’t.

This evening I meandered through the card aisle for about 20 minutes prowling, intensely, for the right birthday cards and Valentines. I love running my fingers over the paper, feeling the embossing, running my thumbnail between the flaps, testing the paper’s durability, rolling my eyes when a card is overly verbose, and occasionally finding one that makes me laugh out loud, like I did tonight.

And it was all a bit reveric (not a real world i know but basically, reverie - like) until I had to face the Valentines wall where I absentmindedly went for a card written for a mom.

She was always my favorite person to buy cards for, because I knew exactly what she’d like. Because there weren’t many times I’d get to ‘splurge’ on a flowery, frilly, cursivey card (there aren’t a whole lot of girls in our family). Because she enjoyed correspondence just as much as me.

This year, I’ll write my Valentine for her on my heart (and maybe on my sleeve too).

Angelic

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 07:50:48 -0700

How are you dealing with things these days?

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 07:49:00 -0700

And that question dovetailed into a 30 minute rambling explanation, which, at the end of it pretty much means: I have no idea how I’m dealing with things these days. Is awkwardly an option?